Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
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How to properly lift a body
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.