Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
You Might Also Like
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.