Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
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Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents