I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
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Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.