5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
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These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
i can’t wait that long
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN