Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
You Might Also Like
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.