I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
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Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it