It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
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Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box