Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
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I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.