Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
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society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.