Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
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“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works