Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
john wicks are toilet candles
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.