You Might Also Like
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
#FunnyLife Insects
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.