I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
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boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.