Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
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Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
bro what is going on at twitter
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”