Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
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I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
pls suprot
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.