Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
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Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite