I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
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Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Just had my nails done!
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it