My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
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Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Scream sneezers need love too.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.