Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what