*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
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My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh