If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
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mom had nothing to worry about
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I feel it
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?