If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
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I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.