I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
You Might Also Like
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity