My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
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“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]