There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
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I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*