“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
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my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Uh oh…