Dance like you’re not the father
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[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.