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Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue