Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
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I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
(Jupiter –
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.