The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
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I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I need to get some bricks…
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
why I oughta
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Happy thanksgiving
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.