normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
You Might Also Like
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so