Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
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Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
so weird how every mom was born today
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries