Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
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[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!