Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
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me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”