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Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
<—- homeless romantic
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.