Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
You Might Also Like
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
who wore it better?
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.