Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
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They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
These 3D printers are insane!
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…