My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
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Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.