[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
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Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.