Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
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When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats