Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
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Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones