[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
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Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living