Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
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what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I never needed anything more in my life
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you