not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
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ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy