‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
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to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?