my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
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What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
My Plans 2020
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
what my late-night hot pocket sees