birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
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I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
It was worth a shot 😂
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
My dress code is business-casualty.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes