Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
You Might Also Like
Wedding planning is organized crime.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Thanks to a fan for this one.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no