*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
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Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.